You have no idea how hard it has been for me to get motivated enough to type this. I fear that if i miss out one day i will not be able to carry on keeping this journal. I need to keep writing for my own good as it helps me monitor and thus better my behaviour. 

i have butterflies in mystomach whenever i think of the summer party at gbt. im nervous abt the ms gbt contest. Will i enter, wont i enter. I will lose. How will i take the losing? Would i wish i hadnt? if i dont, will i wish i did? I dont know how strong my ego is. I dont know how good my body is atm either. I need to eat healthier. I havent been doing that and its going to be to my disadvantage. 

Didnt end up going to XMX. Hung out with bOYat the city. It was a little less distant but still not as close as we used to be. Its a work in progress i guess. We did have some pretty good sex. He is still attracted to me. I feel like i love him, or atleast i care about him deeply enough to believe that i love him and i miss being around him so much it drives me crazy. Tomorrow i want to go over to his and sleep in his arms in an airconned room just because i havent been sleeping too well without him. He is withdrawing from me and this makes me violent which is why things fuck up. We both deal badly with changes in our mental state. I have been calm and caring. I hope it will get through. Today felt like it was 2 hours long. Cant think of anything huge that has happened. I started on Jim's FSM hat and found some awesome knitting journals. Watched sex and the city and some really trashy shows and wished i could do something with myself to help me become a better person in and outside. 

Am irritated with slow internet speed. I cant seem to upload my cvs onto my saved jobs and its making me tense. I need a steady job if i am to move out again soon. God damnit! I am so stressed out about it. The boy doesnt really seem to want to move otu together again if i am the same as i was before. maybe if i show him i can hold a job and be stable, he will change his mind?
Its hot. Thunderstorm abrewing. Would be nice to have it rain tomorrow. Brothers over at mates. gbt tmoro nite. Maybe i should stay with the boy. sounds like fun. I need some decent sleep anyway. Maybe we could even go out to eat like we did before. Would be pretty good. Am i ready to face the masses. I dont know. 

Plus side. my legs feel really really smooth from using a crappy razor. Weird.
Im off to shower and then bed. 
Xox
Bridezillaah

Tags: fidelity, relationship, self esteem, tv
Current Location: lounge, house
Current Mood: confused
Current Music: Halka halka saroor- Jeff Buckley

I missed a day on this, broke a resolution but heck i kept many others. 
Had band prac today with the boy and his mate Dave. My bass skills are soo much better. I hardly fucked up. takes me a while to find the write cord but for someone who hadnt played jack in a month or more i was goood. I never realised how much i love our music. Its soo good. The drummer is pissing me off. He never NEVER shows up to rehearsal, the bastard. I need him to treat the band seriously and to treat me seriously but to him i'm just his best mates gf. As IF. I pull my weight. I never miss a rehearsal. I havent missed a SINGLE one. We got so pissed at him that i invited another drummer over but he had no kit :( so we just hung out and talked and such.

xMx came over to the boys and they sat besides each other and it was weird because i could compare them. Turns out he is scottish too. WHATS WITH ME AND SCOTTISH BOYS? Well, the boy was so much more ttractive etc but something still attracted me to xMx. Probably because he was giving me the attention i needed. I was thinking of going over there tomorrow for a good fuck. Except, i had sex with the boy today and felt nothing. I LOVE my boy and if that cant make me feel sex then theres no way some random can make me feel good. i dont know how i used to do it in the past to Fry but i cant anymore. The boy means so much to me. Its PATHETIC because i cant help myself be happy. Sleeping with ppl makes me happy but now even thinking of it makes me guilty. Even moreso now that we have had a convo to discuss whats up with us. 

We have lost the spark which enables us to be passionate. But we're still in love. We need to rekindle that because i still love him and him me but we just dont feel it anymore. I am not quitting. I am going to stand my ground. He is the best thing to ever happen to me and i'll be damned if i let this lull get the better of us.

I was going to go to xMx but then i realised i'd rather go to the boys and sleep beside him than sleep with xMx tomorrow. 

I MISS YOU BOY.
Xox
B!

Tags: band, drummer, missing him, music, talks, the boy, xmx
Current Location: bedroom, house
Current Mood: sleepy
Current Music: a forest- the cure

She really loves him bridezillaah
she really loves him bridezillaah
she really loves him, i tell you.


i woke up with a headache and puffy eyes at 4pm today. I dont like sleeping in a single bed, it feels too big for someone who is used to sleeping in a queen sized bed with another person every night. I didnt eat much today, everything scratched my throat and tasted like grit. I didnt listen to any of my new music, i dont want to tarnish them with memories of a less than perfect day. 

I waited for him to call me today, to see how i was going. No texts either. Nothing. In the end, i caved in and called him about his cat who is staying with me till we feel we are ready to move in  together again. He sounded weird, tired and almost irritable which could just be my nervous and paranoid imagination. It was brief, i only said i missed him once and didnt babble or cry or anything though i did babyjabber a bit which i REALLY need to stop. It annoys some guys.

"your cats asleep in my bed " said Juliet, my sister with a smug look on her face
"she's not my cat, she's his cat"
"whatever, same thing"

I wish. I wish it were and maybe it is but it doesnt feel the same. God..this is defeating the purpose of this journal. Im meant to be positive and happy and crap. But then again, its hard to be something so far from how i feel. Baby steps i guess. My current playlist is all music from when we first got engaged. Its a bit, painful. No, wait..its hollow.  He hasnt broken up with me, he hasnt asked me for a break from our relationship. All he has done is postponed the engagement till he is absolutely sure. Kinda like putting off a holiday in the middle east till the conflict is over. Except no one knows when that is going to happen or even if. Though being engaged to B! is probably as scary as a vacation there, extreme holiday/extreme dating.

Fuck the pain away says peaches. I would if i werent so paranoid of the fact that he may realise i am doing this subconciously and decide to cheat on me as i cheat on him without either of us knowing the other was cheating and feeling equally guilty. Yes, i am on the look out for the men in white lab coats. There is potential in some guys and lets face it, theyre the only ones keeping my ego afloat at the moment. I know, bad B!. I need to rely on myself to feel good. Happy women are sexy women. And a mars bar a day helps me work and play....

xMx is a guy i met randomly one day at a sleazy bar downtown. I dont do sleazy bars but i was in a bad relationship and off my nut on alcahol and other tasty drugs. He saw me across the room, we were the only half decent looking people among 100 odd sweaty, foldy, smelly bogan bodies. (How perfect that Jeff Buckley plays everybody here wants you while i speak of this encounter).  He kissed me under the black light and my then SFX cherry bomb hair glowed as i got a thousand bright dirty ideas about how to make use of the situation. Sadly, that was the first and last time we ever kissed. Every other attempt (out of 4) has resulted in nothing more than a hug. Parents would be around, friends would be drunk and interfere with our plans. Now i think he has a gf he doesnt like, a house a suburb away from mine across the beach and two very absent parents. Should i take advantage of this situation? Should i finally put an end to the anticipation. I must say that after Him, xMx has very high standards to satisfy. About 9 inches really. It will either disappoint me and remind me f my (bad)luck or it will put things into perspective.

always up in the wash
constantly bleeding colours
so hang me up to dry
you've wrung me out too many times

He loves this charming man by the smiths. xMx loves the cover by deathcab for cutie. Its not as good as the original but its still good. Lets see if i ever find out whether its the same in other respects...

Oh Goddamn it, I MISS YOU YOU FOOL.!!!

Agression, Rebellion, peanut butter

B!

p.s: i have finished my ridiculous CV, its 5 pages and i have added a reference and a couple of other extras. Im now off to email it to the 7 job openings i have bookmarked. I need money before i lose it. Also, i think i have plans with Him but i dont know the details.

Tags: cheating, music, not hungry, old flame, xmx
Current Location: bed, home
Current Mood: tired
Current Music: Priscilla- B4L, This charming man- the smiths, Hang me out- cold war kids

So 2008 has found me here again. Damn, what did i do wrong? Atleast livjournal is shinier this time. Also, maybe this time this can be my secret shame. I'm here because i have no where else to vent, how about you? I cant tell you anything about me more than i have to. Its better that way as it will help me stick to what i'm doing. So where do i start? How about how i am feeling at  the moment.

It is the 4th day of the new year and i, bridezillaah! (B! from here on end) am feeling hot, irritated and lonely. I don't feel like writing here but its making me feel like i am accomplishing something and i guess that in itself is a start.

Hot- its summer, my room is cooler than other spots in the house

irritated- i am bored, lack sleep, lacking a job, living with my parents after having my first real taste of freedom

lonely- because the man of my dreams has made a decision for the both of us which i wish he didnt.

I have problems, real problems that cant be cured by meds. Its called insecurity and from it comes my anger issues and possesiviness. What i call loving, he calls neurotically obsessed. What i called a gentle lovers tussle he called garrotting and so on the 2nd day of the year he packed his things and left me at the doorstep of my wonderful yet overly religious mother.

I need a smoke, i need a drink and a ham sandwich and hot sweaty sex.

i live with Moslems

Help me?

you know, i thought i sounded witty but reading it all over i realise that it sounds like something that rhymes with witty but starts with a Shhh. 

Shhhhhhh, its okay, im not breaking up with you. I just think you need to grow as a person before we can live together again. I am scared of you B!. I dont feel safe around you anymore. You tried to strangle me at my best friends house infront of all my friends.

I guess he has a point, but i had one at the time. I was angry and he was ignoring me. Save it for the dock, Renee zelwegger, he did NOT have it coming but you sure as hell did. He took away my engagement ring, i am not sure exactly as to why....

Its not that you're fat
its not that you're ugly
its not that you're stupid
its not that you're talentless
its not that you're old news

Its because you think your'e all these things despite the fact that he spends the better part of pillow talk, dinner time, showertime, movies, gigs, rehearsals, sex, family gatherings, picnics, sleeptalking, waking, breathing, eating ..telling youre not. You are NOT any of the above mentioned things. What you are is INFUCKINGSECURE and that is what you have to work on.  That and your resume. 

I have to make myself love me again before i can have him love me again.

...........i need a drink.
Help.

peace
B!

Tags: help, rambling, relationship
Current Location: bedroom, house
Current Mood: busy
Current Music: knights- minus the bear