So 2008 has found me here again. Damn, what did i do wrong? Atleast livjournal is shinier this time. Also, maybe this time this can be my secret shame. I'm here because i have no where else to vent, how about you? I cant tell you anything about me more than i have to. Its better that way as it will help me stick to what i'm doing. So where do i start? How about how i am feeling at  the moment.

It is the 4th day of the new year and i, bridezillaah! (B! from here on end) am feeling hot, irritated and lonely. I don't feel like writing here but its making me feel like i am accomplishing something and i guess that in itself is a start.

Hot- its summer, my room is cooler than other spots in the house

irritated- i am bored, lack sleep, lacking a job, living with my parents after having my first real taste of freedom

lonely- because the man of my dreams has made a decision for the both of us which i wish he didnt.

I have problems, real problems that cant be cured by meds. Its called insecurity and from it comes my anger issues and possesiviness. What i call loving, he calls neurotically obsessed. What i called a gentle lovers tussle he called garrotting and so on the 2nd day of the year he packed his things and left me at the doorstep of my wonderful yet overly religious mother.

I need a smoke, i need a drink and a ham sandwich and hot sweaty sex.

i live with Moslems

Help me?

you know, i thought i sounded witty but reading it all over i realise that it sounds like something that rhymes with witty but starts with a Shhh. 

Shhhhhhh, its okay, im not breaking up with you. I just think you need to grow as a person before we can live together again. I am scared of you B!. I dont feel safe around you anymore. You tried to strangle me at my best friends house infront of all my friends.

I guess he has a point, but i had one at the time. I was angry and he was ignoring me. Save it for the dock, Renee zelwegger, he did NOT have it coming but you sure as hell did. He took away my engagement ring, i am not sure exactly as to why....

Its not that you're fat
its not that you're ugly
its not that you're stupid
its not that you're talentless
its not that you're old news

Its because you think your'e all these things despite the fact that he spends the better part of pillow talk, dinner time, showertime, movies, gigs, rehearsals, sex, family gatherings, picnics, sleeptalking, waking, breathing, eating ..telling youre not. You are NOT any of the above mentioned things. What you are is INFUCKINGSECURE and that is what you have to work on.  That and your resume. 

I have to make myself love me again before i can have him love me again.

...........i need a drink.
Help.

peace
B!

Tags: help, rambling, relationship
Current Location: bedroom, house
Current Mood: busy
Current Music: knights- minus the bear